Aunt Tess's Fruitcake and Other Holiday Challenges
Honoring Food, Your Body, and Your Needs This Season
My two favorite people came home from college. Over the past couple of weekends, I had the pleasure of spending some one-on-one time with each of my twin daughters. It’s a rare treat to see them and even more special to sink in with each of them, one at a time.
Kyla and I spent a fair amount of time in the kitchen over the last couple of days. I’ve always enjoyed cooking and baking with my daughters. She and I made a big ol’ mess, bought weird fruit, and played loud music. The flow between cooking and cleaning up continued seamlessly throughout the process without us even having to talk about who was doing what.
I experienced the same graceful kitchen dance when I went away with a group of friends recently. Everyone made sure we got fed, and the room was filled and cleared many times over the weekend with joyful efficiency.
I love community in the cooking space. That “flow state” can happen when doing any activity with a cohesive team, but it’s particularly heartening for me during food preparation.
Many decades ago, there was a time in my life when thinking about and preparing food was absolutely not joyful. Today, I meet with people struggling in their relationship with food and their bodies every week. I know very well that holiday times may be particularly challenging.
Perhaps you’re going into the holiday season feeling a similar dread about food or body concerns — or supporting someone who is...
If so, here are some suggestions for navigating the holidays, gleaned from nearly thirty years of working with individuals and families facing challenges around food and body and from my own (limited and privileged) lived experience as a recovered person and parent. (Note: there are some pictures of food in this post. My aim is not to trigger anyone with an eating disorder, but to provide a glimpse of the sensory experience of baking.)
Here goes…
Never feel obligated to eat anything. Eat because sharing food with your friends and relatives gives you pleasure. Choose to eat the foods that feel good in your mouth and body.
Don't call foods "good" or "bad" or give food a moralistic feel. (Be careful about this language in front of children, too, as it could set the stage for a conflicted relationship with food. It’s confusing for a little one to hear that a favorite dessert is “bad.") Balanced eating happens over days, weeks, and months. Diet culture makes us think we must eat "perfectly," which is far from the truth.
Embrace holiday "treats.” If you enjoy cooking and baking traditional holiday foods with children, make it fun. Food is one way that we come together and celebrate.
Breadmaking is a labor of love and a tradition for many. (No fruitcake here, except for the bakers.) Remember that the most important part of holiday meals is being together, not the food. Don’t let yourself lose this focus, especially if you are the cook.
Don't greet kids (or adults) at family parties by saying they look pretty, handsome, or anything else about their appearance. Instead, tell them you are happy to see them. Let’s make our first greetings about love, not about looks.
Ask yourself, "How am I feeling inside right now?" when you find yourself scrutinizing your body (or another's). Give yourself the gift of identifying what's not feeling good right now underneath those negative body thoughts. Then, give yourself the space to determine how to help yourself feel better in that moment.
Holidays can bring all sorts of emotions. Honor and allow space for those emotions. Locate the people you feel safe sharing your vulnerable self with and be there for them, too.
Care for yourself amid the hustle and bustle of the season. What are the daily or weekly practices that nourish you? Ensure they don’t get lost amid all the “extra” of the season.
When I make bread, I always make two fraternal twin loaves. I also wrote a post last year entitled “Navigating Kids, Food, and Bodies Around the Holidays” with some extra advice about navigating the season with children for those of you who care for and spend lots of time with young people.
Other Nourishing Nuggets:
I am over-the-moon excited that Kate Manne’s latest book, Unshrinking, is a National Book Award Finalist! Not only is it fantastic to have a woman philosopher given this honor, but it also shows that the topic of fatphobia is important to more than just those of us who are fighting it and working with it every day. Kate recently met with one of my therapeutic book clubs. We talked about food as “morally neutral” and how to deal with parents and other relatives, given how ingrained fatphobia is in our culture. I hope you’ll all read this essential and brilliantly written book.
I love this article by writer
about being yourself and embracing what you desire. Perhaps it will also inspire you during these dark, wintry days.
I’ve been publishing this newsletter, Nourishing Words, alongside a group of writers who aim to “Sparkle on Substack.” Thank you
for hosting this delightful challenge.
If you’ve been thinking about getting a copy of my latest book for a parent or caregiver friend (or yourself!) as a holiday gift, here's the Introduction to help you decide if this (three-time-award-winning) book is a good fit.
Prevention and Compassion for Parents: The Introduction of Nurture: How to Raise Kids Who Love Food, Their Bodies, and Themselves
With love in this shared life journey,
Heidi
P.S. It would mean a lot to me if you hit the “like” button or shared your thoughts about these holiday hints to increase engagement. Do you have other thoughts about keeping your relationship with food and body intact through the holiday season? Also, if you are able to upgrade to become a paid subscriber (only $4.17 per month) or share my biweekly posts with a potential reader, I would be incredibly grateful. Thank you for reading, and I wish you some peace this holiday season.
